Joanna Caldwell on The Liminality Journal

[Joanna Caldwell]

Something happens perceived as threatening.

Emotion responds

Instantly—

Anxiety,

Fear,

Hopeless disappointment,

Gut wrenching grief.

I feel the fullness of it.

It hits me hard and consumes me.

Looking it square in the face, I will myself to say

“I see you (fear, grief, anxiety, disappointment….)”

I go with it far enough until I reach a safe distance,

Far enough that I understand it’s path,

Where it will take me.

I choose not to trust myself completely to it,

To go to the edge maybe, but not to yield to it fully.

I stop,

Take a step back in my mind,

Activate logic,

Get my bearings,

Take stock of the situation.

Is it true?

Should I be afraid?

Do I need to be in fight or flight mode?

Are things really that bad? or,

Is something from the past making it feel worse than it is?

Past experience turned something innocuous into terrifying trigger?

Or opening an old wound activating past trauma?

I B r e a t h e.

In

And out.

Slowly

I shift my focus to something in the moment,

I pour myself a cup of tea, warm water steaming,

Feeling the hot cup in my hands,

spreading its warmth inside me,

I watch gossamer clouds flying across heavenly blue,

I feel the gift of soft fur and warm presence snuggled beside me,

I see the sun sparkling through the trees,

lighting up leaves,

captivating plays of light and shadow

I hear the laugh of a child,

The melody of birdsong, call and response,

I feel love in the hug from a dear one.

I feel the relief of a sweet breeze on my face,

And marvel at the shifting masterpiece of sunset watercolors painting across the previously gray and melancholy skies.

The shift in focus helps me realize in addition to the feeling that might carry me away,

I am also still able feel wonder at beauty,

Still feel the Gift of being alive.

I acknowledge the Truth of multifaceted feelings,

A Truth which tempers.

Life is rarely, if ever, just about feeling only one emotion.

When I feel overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment,

When I feel like my life is only all grief,

Or anxiety,

Or fear,

Or hopelessness,

I am denying the Truth of the spectrum of emotions which balance perspective,

Which allow Life to go on,

Even though maybe in only infinitesimally tiny steps.

My emotions are real and valid.

They can be protective,

Sometimes.

I need to let them protect me.

I choose to feel them.

I do not want to deny them, but

When I am safe,

I seek to feel them take their place amongst the backdrop of the full rainbow of emotions

Allowing room for me to feel

Hope.