I'm Very Bad At This

being present to the void + a last resistance roundup

Hello everyone,

July is nearly gone, and I am tempted to say Summer is leaving along with it, but I’m not ready to think that way, not yet. It will only lead to a desire to rush into the next season, to bring autumn to my home before autumn is really ready, so I will say that we are here in the depths of summer, still basking in the sun and asking what it all means to lean into this moment.

I was chatting with a dear friend the other day about how bad I am at this, the sitting still part of it all. I’m a writer, which means that sometimes I’m writing toward an end like a book or an op-ed, and sometimes I’ve got a bit of a void, a break, and honestly, that’s where I struggle most.

Meeting a huge deadline for writing a book is difficult, yes, but it propels me forward nonetheless. I think one of the toughest parts of releasing a book is that quiet space that shows up after it’s released, where I’m supposed to simply keep posting and posting about it on social media and writing random thoughts about all the words I just wrote.

It’s exhausting, because what I really need is to keep writing.

I’m also a public speaker, and summer is consistently a bit of a down-time, meaning I have part of June and July off. When I step back and look at that time frame, I think a month and a half is nothing, and yet, as soon as it hits, I feel three things all at once:

1. the anxiety of not having income during that time

2. excitement that I get to be home and “rest” and wanting to completely ignore my inbox for a while

3. desire to get started on a new project because if I’m not in the depths of it my work isn’t enough

Here is where it gets hilarious to me, the thing I’m so bad at, the thing that I can’t seem to grapple with. When I have space to breathe, to celebrate the big things I just did, to be home and settle in without the traveling and speaking, I’m ready to enjoy it—until I’m not.

I still have plenty of work to do (I’M LAUNCHING A CHILDREN’S BOOK IN THE FALL, PEOPLE!), plenty of deadlines to meet, but the landscape of my work changes in the summer, and I change along with it.

Then the anxiety settles in, the reality that I have a fairly unsteady income as a writer, and the way I get paid is to speak and to write. It’s a beautiful job that I wouldn’t trade for anything, but it comes with its inconsistencies, and I would definitely trade the part that is the pressure of using social media to constantly brand my own words to get clicks and attention, fighting an unmanageable algorithm along the way.

My friend and I came to the same conclusion—we don’t hold this beautiful downtime very well, because we are writers and we want to write! We are speakers and we want to speak! And, perhaps, we aren’t valuing our own rest and space very well.

So, I’m trying to speak those truths to myself right now. I start traveling again next week (I’ll share a full speaking schedule with you soon in case you can show up to say hello) and I can easily make these last days of quiet about to-do lists and stress. I can grab a piece of paper and list out all the things that are on the horizon and it can takeover any ounce of peace I hold.

Or, I can hold it all loosely, reminding myself that the work is the work, that I am the writer I am, and that it will all get done as it needs to get done.

The work of being a planner and of holding the plans with open palms is extremely difficult, but that very well may be the hallmark of being a self-employed person.

The most powerful thing we can do is to be present to whatever we’ve got—whether it’s the downtime after a big thing happens or the buildup to a busy season, or being right in the middle of it all—being present is a gift, is a struggle, is where the magic happens for us humans.

So, here’s to being present, even when we think we’re bad at it.

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This is our last resistance roundup! Thanks for joining me for this little experiment. I hope you felt inspired by a few things along the way.

1. This is a great piece on Barbie by my friend Gareth Higgins, who writes incredibly thoughtful reviews on films regularly:

   What Barbie Isn't

2. My friend Gabes Torres wrote a piece recently for YES! Magazine called Can Astrology Be a Tool for Liberation? She writes:

   Astrology’s recent increase in popularity has resulted in the commercialization of the cosmos. Social media trends, zodiac-related products, and even the rise of online scammers impersonating prominent astrologers on social media are suddenly rampant. This kind of pop astrology removes the study from its context and waters it down through memes and satire that oversimplify the signs, which capitalism tends to do. But using astrology as a marketing opportunity is ironic, considering its history.

   In many cultures, astrology is sacred and has existed for thousands of years. In India, the early use of Hindu or Vedic astrology determined calendar dates for rituals and holidays, as well as specific days for making significant life choices.

3. I’ve got two book recommendations for you! First, Period Power by Nadya Okamoto, founder of PERIOD, fighting to end period poverty and stigma. This book was written a few years ago and is as powerful now as it was then. I think we have come far, but there are so many more conversations we need to be having about how to support folks who menstruate and what it means for us to care for ourselves along the way. Nadya writes:

It’s important to change the culture’s view of menstruation, because some people continue to believe that because women menstruate, they are not as capable as men when it comes to holding positions of power or otherwise participating in society.

Second, I’m reading The Second Mountain by David Brooks. Here’s what it’s about:

In The Second Mountain, David Brooks explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community. Our personal fulfillment depends on how well we choose and execute these commitments. Brooks looks at a range of people who have lived joyous, committed lives, and who have embraced the necessity and beauty of dependence. He gathers their wisdom on how to choose a partner, how to pick a vocation, how to live out a philosophy, and how we can begin to integrate our commitments into one overriding purpose.

I’m really enjoying this book, and it’s giving me a lot to think about. Going from the first to second mountain isn’t just about aging, but about how our life experiences shape us no matter who we are or what stage of life we are in.

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I’ll send you off with this quote from Living Resistance, a word on presence, since we’re on the subject today:

Presence is resistance, in almost every way we can imagine— presence to ourselves, presence to each other, presence to whatever we should be paying attention to in that moment. Mystics of every religion have written on this because they knew why it mattered then and why it matters now. For us to be fully alive, we must be present, and when we are, we resist hate in ourselves and in the world around us. I practice presence with my children because I know I wasn’t always given presence. I hope to heal something in the work of presence, and to watch as that healing ripples out into the lives of others around me.

Onward, friends.